I hear the subtle voice.. the longing, the missing, the hoping, the wanting.
At times the subtle voice seems to have more power than my deeper knowing. It wants me to hide, to give up, to whine and complain about what’s not working, to focus on the don’t want instead of the want, to be lost in an illusion of confusion or to convince me that I’m not really all that special… that I lack in some way that will forever stand in my way of meeting my dreams face to face, in real time.
Hmmm… I’m so curious about this voice on these frigid snow filled winter days.
A pattern has surfaced again these last few weeks. I am aware of this pattern in my life and it’s felt so frustrating to get clear about what this pattern is trying to show me, teach me, guide me through and into.
You see, I’ve never been the type of woman to jump from one long term relationship into another. I’ve spent more time journeying solo with lovers on the side. It somehow felt safer to me.. to guard my heart from the pain of a breakup, the realization that the lover, boyfriend, partner is not who I thought they were or wanted them to be, for me anyways…
So what I’ve done over the years is attract into my life incredible men who are unavailable to me for a long term commitment.. they either live on the other side of the world (or I do), they are moving through their own funk and unable to be fully present in a mature relationship, they’re not looking for a committed partnership or they’re already committed to someone else.
What I’m noticing is that when I connect with a man that I’m really digging’ and the vibe is sooo nice and yummy, instead of allowing it to be what. it. is., I start to want more of it, and as soon as I try to grasp onto it, try to control it… that’s where the drama kicks in.. The longing.. the wishing.. the hoping (ugh… not crazy about ‘hope,’ it leaves room for doubt ya know?!), the tears… THE DRAMA!
So I sit here and witness the drama that I’VE CREATED (whether consciously or subconsciously) to live out some old pattern, which in effect is trying to show me some gem of an AHA until I gain enough awareness, strength, clarity and courage to walk through it and choose something new.
So I say to myself, ‘What is this drama truly wanting to birth through you, for you, in you, in your life?’
What I realized around Midnight, as I lay in my bed with this uncomfortable stuck energy in my chest is this:
My choosing to focus on what I think, perceive, judge as not working is completely out of alignment with one of my core values: to TRUST and have FAITH in the process, in the Universal flow, in Creation.
It was a big AHA for me that I have been choosing (once again) to be incongruent with what is.. thinking that I KNOW… Goddamnit.. I KNOW what/who/when/how is the best unfolding for me, in my life, right here and now and I WANT IT!
So there in the WANTING, in the LONGING FOR and MISSING.. there is the drama that I create, the tears, the emotional hooks, the VICTIM.. the old story that, ‘I’m not important, others don’t care, the Universe doesn’t support me to have what I want.’
Question: is any of that really true? The long and short of it is that I CHOOSE my truth… and that old story doesn’t align with my current beingness.. what truly aligns for me is this new story:
‘I am love, Others are gifts unto my life (and the world), The Universe has unequivocally GOT MY BACK, FRONT, SIDES, TOP & BOTTOM!’
And THIS my friends, is MY TRUTH NOW!
As I’ve been moving through this process I’m reminded to connect with the little one within who thinks she knows better. I say to her in my most compassionate voice, ‘I hear you, I see you.. remember to humble yourself and surrender sweet one.. the beauty is in enjoying the divine connections you make in the moment, allowing them to simply be the gift that they are. Remember that you don’t always actually know what is best.. Universe has a bigger, better plan for you! Are you ready to be pleasantly and magically surprised? Ok… good. I am too 🙂 I’m here with you.. I love you.. You are love’
I leave you with this poem that came through me about love:
So you open the door to love
You don’t yet know what it will become
Will it flow, stagnate, explode, expand.. grow?
Will the soil be rich for a lifetime of deep connection
Will the scent of the other repel you in the opposite direction?
You say yes….
So now you’re moving, the train is in motion
And what you didn’t expect…
That his smell, his touch, his taste..
The feeling you get when your nose brushes against his cheek..
When you look in his eyes, when you feel his sweet kiss..
That this love is purely divine.. highly aligned
There is, in fact, a soul connection here..
That you’ve been praying for..
A connection with synergy, flow.. easeful
Then poof.. before you know it he’s gone
And you want to grasp at it, hold it, tug it, capture it.. make it more, have more of it
You become obsessed with it, until you realize this certain truth:
The source of this deep love vibration lives within YOU..
You attracted it as a divine vibrational match to remind you of the bounty inside of you
It’s been here all along…
YOU are IT.. YOU are Love..