Allow me to introduce you to my shadow… the deep dark hidden parts of me that can pop up and out at the most inconvenient times.. the parts of me that I avoid because looking at them, embracing them even, causes me mild to severe discomfort.. the parts of me I pretend to have ‘overcome’ because of my commitment to personal growth.. the parts of me that need the most love, that are teaching me, aching to collaborate with me.. and half the time I ignore them.
My shadow has been coming up for me over the last few months.. what really wants to come out here is that my shadow has been rearing it’s ugly head, or trying to anyways, since November. Dang… is my shadow really ugly? No, it’s not. But those are the terms that describe something that I am realizing I’ve done a great job avoiding.
I consistently live outside of my comfort zone. It brings stuff up, it makes me uncomfortable, I stretch and grow, sometimes I want to hide.
I’ve been realizing that stuff around my shadow has been becoming clearer to me since I returned from Bali in early November. That’s when I started to feel into the part of me that actually doesn’t believe, the part that doesn’t believe that I will actually get to live the life of my dreams, that I’ll actually experience all of the things that I desire to experience, like a loving incredible life partner, a booming entrepreneurial career, massive positive global impact, the reality of doing the work that I love and making more money than I ever dreamed possible while living the fullest expression of my contribution in the world.
I’ve also been feeling into the part of me that feels fear, the type of fear that is intangible, like fear of spirits, energies.. the supernatural.
I decided to do a 21 day cleanse at the start of the New Year and WOW! What a way to trigger the shadow and stretch waaaaay beyond my comfort zone!
You see, things are shifting in my business and I am in a major transition right now.. it’s sooo uncomfortable at times, even though I’m realizing that I am actually getting more of what I desire in certain respects (like more spaciousness in my schedule, more flow and grace).
How interesting is it that as I’m getting more of what I want in certain respects, there’s a part of me that feels that (because it’s different than what I’m used to) it feels ‘bad, wrong, uncomfortable’ and I seek to go into the old behaviors that had me desiring spaciousness in the first place! Hmmmm.. Calling the witness!!!
Not only has the cleanse uncovered fears, thoughts and energies around old patterns, addictive tendencies, my body image, how I feel about my health and wealth, I have also found it extremely challenging to let go of all of my vices!
My saying yes to this cleanse pushed and pulled at me in so many ways! I felt like I just wanted to hide out in my apartment, I’ve been slower, mellower, turning inside, which is all sooo different from my usual desire to be out in the mix, to run around and stay busy.
I’ve been sitting with the desire for the things I’m choosing not to have right now and it’s been difficult at times! I’ve felt this funky energy moving through me, the type of energy that you do your best to either completely ignore or stuff with, say cookies?!
It’s been intense and there are a ton of things up for me right now.. so it brings me to this curious question:
Am I partnering with or avoiding my shadow?
I realize that I’ve actually been in avoidance mode and I’ve gotta admit, that doesn’t feel good. What I was reminded of while leading a group of women through my signature ‘Get Up’ empowerment process this past weekend is that my shadow is just as much a part of me as my light. My shadow simply wants to be seen, acknowledged, loved, embraced… even allowed to be there!
When we reached the part of the process where I have them bring part of their shadow out in front of them and hold it lovingly and compassionately in their hands, looking upon it and speaking to it as they would a newborn baby, there were women who felt opposed to this part of the process.
Afterwords they asked me, ‘How am I supposed to love the thing about myself that is causing me so much pain and suffering?’
My response? I told them that the goal is to lovingly embrace ALL of ourselves.. not leaving anything out. To be so compassionate, so committed to loving ourselves fully and wholly that we have more and more of the capacity to accept and acknowledge even (especially) the parts of us that we dislike the most.
The Ultimate goal? To love and honor it all.. every part of my being, of your being, of our collective beingness.
Even writing this I feel a synergy, an alignment taking place within my body, I feel things shifting within me, I feel a bit more energized, more congruent and cohesive within.
I’ll be writing about the shadow and my 21 day cleanse here for the next few blog posts, because I’m ready to be one cohesive Laura, loving all of me fully and wholly.
What about you?