Life is in constant motion.. even when we rest at night dreams swirl and my body wakes in the morning with the undeniable knowing that i’ve been on some great adventures through the night. Sometimes i’m frustrated that I don’t remember my dreams so clearly like my twin sistar Sarah.
This morning i’m thinking about the new year and all of the incredible celebrations from 2012, my trip this past week to the Bay area, Santa Cruz and the beautiful serene Costa Noa off off HWY 1, 30 minutes north.
I’m thinking about brief visits with dear friends, unbounded gratitude, sweet California sunshine, the smell of the earth, pines and eucalyptus trees (which for this Buffalo native, is a welcome scent in mid January), the beach, 20 ft waves and west coast cliffs. Realizing that i’ve formed a new relationship to an experience i’ve had many many times in the past. The experience of visiting a place I hold so dear in my heart, a place I first feel in love with at the young age of 16 and have wanted to live in ever since. Having an opportunity to show up in new ways, thankful for another opportunity to visit, knowing that soon come, I will return and perhaps for longer and longer stays.
I’m thinking about calculated risks that scared me tense and caused me to wonder if i’d made the best decision, simply to find that once I allowed myself space and time to be with the discomfort, I had truly given myself the greatest gift.
I’m thinking about a group of incredible women I met as a result of taking what felt like a huge risk as I chose to join Sage Lavine’s 8 month Entrepreneurial Leadership training program. And how incredible it’s been to get to know Sage and these women, and for each of us to stand with and for our greatest transformation and evolution as we powerfully step forward claiming our worth and our contribution to the world.
I think of the heart expanding YES I felt when I first heard about the program, and the price tag.. it was waaaay more then I ever imagined I would be investing in myself at this time. A part of me wanted to pull out midway, you know, to ‘save some money.’ Looking back, oh how glad I am that I stuck with it. It was a stretch, stretching me in a good way, stretching me to have the ability to hold the level of energy i’m here to hold and share with the world.
Then I think about these incredible women who I journeyed with in this program, and their powerful and humbling reflections and acknowledgments about my own journey and what they’ve witnessed in me over these last 8 months. And i’m aware of this deep sense of gratitude and also this question within, ‘Do they really mean it? Are they just stroking my confidence because that’s what they think they should do?’ And perhaps the biggest question of all, ‘Can it be? Is it true, these beautiful, loving, supportive words they’ve shared with me?’
As I bring awareness to these thoughts, I realize how deep that old voice goes and how persistent it can be at times. The shadow, which does it’s best at times to cover the light, trying to get me to second guess myself, others, to lack trust in my own knowing and the expression of those around me who have nothing to gain by their empowered reflections.
How many of you can relate to the experience of receiving beautiful acknowledgements and compliments only to deflect, ignore or push them away because you didn’t BELIEVE them yourself?
What is possible, when in the face of self doubt, fear and a lack of trust you open up, humble yourself, give thanks and RECEIVE these beautiful sentiments (without immediately reflecting them back at the person giving them to you)?
Who do you need to be to allow yourself to be stretched beyond your comfort zone, to stay with the discomfort as you step more fully into your purpose and potentials, because what’s on the other side is so frickin’ delicious you can’t even imagine how good it tastes until you get there?
It’s a blessing to be aware of all of the voices, to know it’s ways and to lovingly remind my whole self that life is innately good.. love is all around me and yes, I am that I am. Giving thanks that even in the face of self doubt & fear I can now embrace myself in this new empowering way.
Trusting, knowing, being, receiving