Mothering came to me as a big surprise.. at 19, I learned that I would indeed become a mother. Before that time I always wanted to adopt children. I felt that there were too many children in the world who didn’t have the love, attention and family they needed and remember choosing at 18 that I would rather adopt a child then have one of my own.
I remember how it felt when I realized I would become a mother. And then how incredible it felt when I could feel my body changing and the sense of a very special being growing in my womb. It was the strangest and coolest thing I had experienced yet. It was mysterious and a bit freaky to me, that I would actually grow a human in my belly and then birth it into the world. Absolutely fascinating how the female body is designed to co~create life in this way!!
I took good care of myself.. and grew bigger and bigger.. 45lbs bigger in fact!! I chose to have a natural child birth, to use a midwife and to nurse my baby for as long as we both desired.
It was an exciting and terrifying time in my life. I had a sense in the depths of my heart, that my daughters father and I would not make it for the long haul. This caused me much anxiety and grief during my pregnancy. I was quite terrified to bring home this little baby and to be left to raiser her on my own. I wondered ‘Am I qualified for this? I mean, they are seriously going to send me home with a little new born human being to take care of without any credentials?!’ While I was pregnant it seemed soooo surreal to think of actually having a physical baby outside of my body.
At the first pangs of the onset of childbirth I thought ‘oh shit.’ I was terrified!! Soon the time would come that I would have to literally push this human being out of my body and into the world.
The birthing process was long… very long. I held on, that fear in me about my relationship with my daughters father and the fear of actually allowing the birth to happen kept me from opening up and releasing my baby into the world. And then finally I gave in.. the midwife had to break my water in order to get the birthing process to move along. What I experienced after that was the most piercing pain i’d ever felt in my life. The next 2-3 hours were the closest i’ve ever been to life and death in the same moment. I stayed the course… I allowed the process and before I knew it, was fully dilated and ready to push. I pushed my daughter out in a little over 20 minutes, no tears, no medications and lots of LOVE and persistent determination!!! I remember when her head came out and I touched it.. I knew that I was almost to the other side of this part of the journey.. it was exhilarating!! And when she came out and they put her on my belly I fell in love like never before.
I had the sense that the universe brought me the most special, unique and awesome gift EVER!!!
Mothering has touched every spectrum of emotion for me.. it has been both highly challenging, fulfilling and also very rewarding. It has pushed me beyond my edge and assisted me in developing skills and capacities that I did not know existed within me. Having my daughter caused me to face myself.. to face the deepest parts of myself, the most uncomfortable parts of myself.. and to have them reflected back to me until I decided to transform old patterns into new expansive pathways which has led to a life that is unrecognizable from what it used to be. And truthfully, having my daughter when I did probably saved my life. It directed my life and gave me a sense of purpose I did not know before my daughters birth.
Looking back over the last 15 years, I wouldn’t change it for the world. My daughter, who is now 14 and finishing her first year in high school, is the wisest, most loving, creative, awesomely magnificent young woman! I am honored and highly blessed to share my life with her… she taught me what it feels like to be unconditionally loved by another, she helped me overcome fears i’d had since childhood, although she may not know it now her presence in my life has guided it’s course in the most profound ways, and for this I am forever Thankful!!
To all of the Mothers past present and future… to our GREAT Mother Earth.. to all of the women who dreamt of being mothers, longed to grow and birth their own babies but couldn’t, to those whose babies didn’t make it to birth or whose spirit left them before they were birthed, and to the women who passed while birthing their children, to those who chose to release the seeds planted in their womb for whatever reason, to those who’ve lost their children and those who’ve adopted other women’s children, to those who couldn’t for whatever reason keep their children and gave them up for adoption or abandoned them, to those who could’t take the stress and strain of raising children, to those who suffer in great poverty of heart, mind, body, soul, spirit and daily life experience, to those who have harmed their children or others children, to those who have stood up to preserve and protect children worldwide, and those who have mothered their communities, to foster parents, to the orphans, to the children who have lost their mothers and to those who have broken relationships with their mothers… Sending so much love, care and compassion for the uplift of the collective vibration and experience surrounding the Feminine and Mothering.
To the Divine Feminine and to ALL of the Mothers.. I Give Thanks for the courage, strength, resilience, blessings, life & LOVE that we birth, share and spread in this world!